Snakes and lovers

So. A lot's happened lately.

I think everything will be okay. It might be too soon to say for sure, but I think Hawthorne and I will be fine. Ren, Shan, Fiona, Mom and Dad, even Milo- they'll be fine too.

Hawthorne says the Eye has learned what can happen when humans refuse to reveal their secrets and give the Eye more power. It isn't a threat anymore, especially since it's still too weak to enter other Elementals' domains, the River included. Even the Parasite's shut up ever since she dealt with Judgment for us. If she was being sincere about ripping me to shreds, she's done a poor job of it.

Ever since the night with Judgment, the night when I learned that the Elementals are real, I haven't had a single dream about the River. I guess I don't need to dream about it now that I can visit it in the flesh. Since then, all my dreams have been normal. No Hawthorne, no Eye, no Parasite.

Honestly, I kind of miss dreaming about Hawthorne, even though we've met in person several times since then. Still, I've had some nice dreams lately. Dreams about the skies at sunset, about birds chirping in the trees, about... well, normal things.

Anyways, point is, everything's okay. Hawthorne and I are safe now, and we've been meeting at the River in person. It's nice. He's a good person, and he wants what's best for me.

It's been a weird month or so, but all in all, things are looking up.

Walk the fire

I was walking home from work when I saw a man in a white suit. He was pale as a corpse, with skin that seemed to be stretched too tightly over his bones. He had eyes tattooed all over. He turned to look at me as we passed one another, and I swear to God that his tattoos did the same.

Judgment. In the flesh.

His thin white lips curled back in a cruel smile.

"Tia Bravo Fuertes," he said as he passed me by. "We know your secret."
My fear was paralyzing. I couldn't do anything.

I could hear something inside my mind- a voice. It sounded like Hawthorne's. Tia, he said, would you like to come to the River?
I don't see what other choice I have.

Something took control of my hands and snapped my fingers, and the world melted away.

With that, I was in the River, in the flesh, for the first time in my life.

It looked just like it does in my dreams. A night sky, Hawthorne's clear black creek, moonlight just bright enough for us to see. By this point, it felt more like home than my apartment, as sad as that probably sounds.

Hawthorne was there beside me.
"...I guess a part of me knew," I said. About everything- you, the River, the Eye, everything- being real."
"I tried to tell you," Hawthorne replied. He tugged at his tie. "But perhaps I told you too late. Perhaps I should have tried to tell you that you are not alone, even if the Eye is waiting for you to tell someone whatever it is that it seeks to learn."

I sat down by Hawthorne's creek, trying to decide what to do.

"God," I said, "I feel like a jackass."
Hawthorne sat beside me and put a hand on my shoulder. "Don't."
"Easy for you to say. It's not you who's talking to a voice in your head that you didn't know was real until just now."
"...Yours is a fair assessment of the situation, I will admit." He sounded a little reluctant. "Nonetheless, I do not think you are being entirely fair with yourself. I share some of the blame, as it was only recently that I informed you of just how real the stakes were. Are, I should say."

I stared at the river as it flowed gently. It was too dark and too clear to reflect anything back.

Not to sound... well, pretentious, but I thought that was a pretty good picture of how I felt. Lost, with no idea of where I was.

I heard a laugh in my voice. I looked up to see the Parasite.

"So," she said to Hawthorne, "you've finally brought her here in the meat- in the flesh, I mean."
"Observant of you," Hawthorne replied.
"I don't think I've heard you use sarcasm before," I said as I picked up a smooth, flat stone from the riverbank and threw it at the surface of the water. (It sank immediately.)
"You provide me less occasion to use it than she does," Hawthorne said.
"Oh, come off it," said the Parasite.

I laid down, watching the night sky. There were no clouds, no stars, only the moon. It stared down like an eye. I shook my head, and the Parasite laughed.

"...That's your payment, isn't it? I asked. You could've made me hear and see things whenever you wanted. Why now?"
"The thrill of the chase," said the Parasite with a sharp-toothed grin. "A love for the hunt. You know how it is. After all, all my worst attributes are yours as well."
"Shut up."
"Sorry."
I wasn't convinced.

I got to thinking.

I knew I needed to evade or defeat the Eye somehow, but I didn't know how. I wasn't sure what secret I needed to protect from it, and even the Dying Man at his full power was unable to defeat the Eye.

Then I realized something I’d never told anyone. I’d known in my heart of hearts for so long, but I didn’t even fully accept it myself.

I'm scared of myself.

I'm scared of my intrusive thoughts, as I've only recently learned they're called. I'm scared they mean that I want to hurt people. I'm scared that, even if the Parasite can't control me, I’ll be somehow influenced to do the things I've seen replaying over and over in my mind ever since I met her. I'm scared of the things I see when I look in the mirror. I'm scared that when people whisper, they're whispering about me. I’m scared that they're right. I'm scared that the things I've seen of the Dying Man and the Eye and the River and the Tribunal mean I'm going insane.

No, I'm not just scared of myself. I'm terrified of myself.

As soon as I realized that, a light shone down from the sky, and thousands of eyes opened where the night sky was brightened.

The Eye still didn't know my secret. But it was getting closer.

Hawthorne, the Parasite, and I all stood and looked up at the light.
"No," said Hawthorne, "no, this isn’t right, this- how is it doing this?"
The Parasite turned to stare at me. "You... you did this, didn't you?"

The Parasite lunged at me like a feral animal and knocked me to the ground. She displayed her long, sharp, yellow fingernails when Hawthorne pulled her off me and stared her dead in the eye. She continued thrashing at him until he released his grip and pointed at the beam of light where the eyes were forming.

The Parasite lowered her head and growled. "I promise you, little girl, I'm going to rip you apart once I've dealt with these things."

Judgment stepped out of the light. There was a smirk on his eye-riddled face.

"Tia Bravo Fuertes," he said. "I've always wondered what it was like in the River."
"Well, well, look what the cat's dragged in," the Parasite said to Judgment, her bloody lips peeling back in a predatory smile. "I'm going to enjoy ripping you apart."
Judgment strode forward, his thousands of eyes all turned on the Parasite. "The Dying Man at his strongest could not destroy us. We burned him so that all that was left were ashes. Or have you forgotten?" Eye by eye, his gaze turned to Hawthorne, until at last all of them were on him. "And you, little man. You tried to protect her. You honestly thought you could stop me." He took Hawthorne by the throat and lifted him upwards.

I kneed Judgment in the groin. He dropped Hawthorne to the ground, but otherwise, he didn't react.

All of Judgment's eyes stared at me. "Now that, I haven't seen before," he said after several moments of the two of us staring at one another. "Your spirit is almost endearing. But it will not save you. We will know your secret, and your prince will suffer and die." He turned back to Hawthorne, and his hand started to burn.
Hawthorne's eyes widened in fear and pain as he watched Judgment reach down.

I punched Judgment in the face and helped Hawthorne to his feet as Judgment stumbled backwards. His entire body lit on fire.

Judgment started walking towards us again. The flames from his body grew brighter and brighter as he walked, and everywhere the light reached, eyes opened up. All of them were staring at me with a look of pure malice.

Hawthorne reached out to the creek and pulled upwards, the black waters surging up with the motion of his arm. He pointed at Judgment, and the water doused his flames. The River was plunged back into darkness, and the eyes closed and vanished.

Then, suddenly, the flames reignited brighter than they had before. Everything was illuminated, and everywhere I looked, eyes opened up to look at me.

Judgment laughed. "See now how pitiful you are, Hawthorne Crow. You are no prince of darkness, no incarnation of power and secrecy. You are the broken baron of the shade beneath a tree. You are weak. Nothing. Weaker even than the Dying Man I killed twenty-five years ago. I, however..." The flames grew brighter. "I will live as long as there are sins to punish, secrets to learn, wrongdoers to prosecute." His eyes turned on me. "And you, Tia Bravo Fuertes," he went on, his burning hand outstretched, "have committed the gravest sin of all: you hate yourself."

"That's not it," I said as I backed away.
Judgment shook his head. "You cannot hide forever, little one. It doesn't matter how much darkness you hide behind. The flames of truth pierce all shadows, and the eyes of judgment witness all wrongdoings. You hate yourself. Admit your guilt and your sentence will be made lesser. Try to deceive us, in vain as it might be, and your punishment will be made eternal."
"You don't have a goddamn clue what you're talking about."
"Then confess. What is it that draws me in? What are the shadows I see on your heart?"
"None of your fucking business," I said.

Judgment fell forward as a black tendril pierced through him. The fire surrounding his body was doused with the murky water of the Parasite's creek. The eyes around him closed and vanished one by one as darkness encroached on the light.

Behind Judgment, the Parasite smiled at Hawthorne and myself with a look of manic ecstasy on her face.

"That was... unexpected," said Judgment. The eyes that remained, those on his body, were widened in pain and shock. He tried to speak, but whatever he would have said didn't come out. All that did was a weak gasp of agony.

With that, Judgment faded into shadow.

Blow the nights off

I dreamed that I was at Hawthorne's creek. He was standing beside me.

"Hello, Tia," he said.
I glanced at him, my eyes starting to water as I thought of the things I've been through recently and how strongly I'd wished I could see Hawthorne. I nodded, fearing I'd start crying if I said anything.
"I..." He trailed off. "I know things have been difficult, but I assure you that none of it is beyond your resilience."
As he spoke, I started to cry.
He blinked, then offered me a hug. I took his offer gladly.

After a while of hugging him, I stopped crying. As I wiped my tears, I said, "It's been so hard. I... God, I feel like shit. All I have is my own dreams. Isn't that stupid?"
"No, far from it. Your experiences are unique, but..." Hawthorne trailed off and looked down at the ground. "Not in the way you might want. I do not blame you for feeling upset or scared."
"Thank you. I- I just want to be normal. Happy. I..." I started to cry again.

When that happened, Hawthorne drew away. He slowly breathed in and out, then nodded at me.
Catching Hawthorne's drift, I followed his lead and breathed in, then out again. I've never found that kind of thing particularly effective, but it did the trick. Maybe it was just because of how understanding Hawthorne was being. Either way, I was calmer, at least, after that.

I sat down by the riverside like I had so many times now. Hawthorne joined me, and together, we watched the river as it flowed.

"Tia," he said, "I have to tell you something. I am not just a part of your dreaming mind, nor is the Parasite, the River, the Eye... anything relevant to the Elementals, really."
"...I can't deal with this," I said, standing up suddenly. "I can't deal with my brain messing with me like this."
Hawthorne stood up and started to say something, but he seemed to decide against it and sat down again.

I stood in silence, gazing at the clear water of Hawthorne's creek. There were still no fish, no plants, no frogs. There was nothing in the world of the River but myself and an unclear number of Dying Man shards.

Suddenly, I felt very alone.

"Hawthorne," I said, looking down at him, "I... I want to wake up."
Hawthorne nodded and snapped his fingers, and I was awake, staring at the ceiling and alone with my thoughts.

I could hear the sound of dogs growling and barking outside my door.

It was when I remembered that our apartment doesn't allow pets that I realized how much I wished I hadn't asked Hawthorne to wake me up, taking me back to a world that seems to have turned against me. But the malevolent laughter in my head kept me from falling asleep again.

Slaughter

I know that, in the dream, Hawthorne said not to fight the things the Parasite showed me. That they weren't my thoughts and that I should just ignore them. But that was a dream. The fact that I keep thinking about these images of violence against Ren, Shan, Fiona, my parents...

That's real.

Strange sounds

I keep hearing sounds around my apartment building when I know for a fact that I'm the only one here. Footsteps. Chains clanking. Dogs barking.

The noises seem to get closer and closer to my apartment every time they start up again.

I hear laughter in my head sometimes when the noises get near. It’s in my voice, but it isn’t mine. It makes me feel scared and alone, like I'll never be safe again.

The Tribunal

I talked to Milo about needing a break for the sake of my mental health. He seemed really understanding.

You know, right up until he rejected my request.

I guess I don't know what I was expecting. Milo's always been one of those types. You know, one of those faceless suits who wants to be your friend. Think Michael Scott meets Bill Lumbergh.

I should've called in sick.

I think I've been having nightmares lately- when I'm not having lucid dreams about Hawthorne, I mean- but I can't remember all of them. I just wake up screaming.

It's so exhausting that I fell asleep several times at work after I talked to Milo. Fortunately, I didn't scream, but I did have several dreams. Of course.

Each dream was brief but vivid. First, I was in a courtroom. There were bright lights on me, and the walls and ceilings and floors and everything were all blindingly white. The judge had a thousand eyes, and so did all twelve jurors. All of them were staring at me.

Just before I woke up, the judge said, "I hereby pronounce the defendant, Tia Bravo Fuertes, guilty of-"

In the next dream, I was standing in a prison cell, a many-eyed priest in white speaking to me.
"You are being sentenced for a reason," he said to me.
"Why?" I asked, scared and confused. "What reason?"
He started to reply, but I woke up before I could hear what he said.

In the third dream, there was an executioner standing over me, a hundred holes cut into his bone-white hood for the eyes that covered his face. The priest from the second dream that day was there.

"Do you have any last words, any additional confessions or desperate prayers to make before you are executed?" asked the priest.
But I was too terrified to respond.

The only good thing about that dream was that I woke up before the axe struck, although it was still too close for my liking.

There was around an hour between each time I fell asleep, an hour of trying to forget what I'd seen. Each time, I'd nearly succeeded when I fell asleep again and found myself back in nightmares where, far from the lucid dreams I've been having about Hawthorne, I had no control.

Everything in the nightmares I've had about the Eye is white. The clothing, the walls, the floors and ceilings, even the sky and the ground. All of it is pure, unfeeling, all-seeing white. The Eye's domain is a court of sterile and exposing light.

Not sure why I'm waxing poetic about this. Just a bunch of nightmares anyways.

Screens and streetlights

So, I feel it's worth noting that I do actually have a real life. I also have a job, although trust me, it's just a generic office job- good pay, zero other incentive to actually do anything. Nothing worth describing in detail.

Now, it can get a little boring, so sometimes I take a peek at other people's screens. I don't stare over people's shoulders in the hopes of reading my coworkers' private emails or anything, I just occasionally glance over to see what other people are doing. It's one of those open plan offices, so, you know.

I was looking over at some of the screens when I saw them.

Eyes.

They were only there for a few seconds, but I swear to God, every screen I could see suddenly changed to a white background with an eye staring directly at me. Their gazes followed me as I turned to the other screens to see whether they too had eyes on them. (They did, incidentally.)

Then, all at once, every eye closed and disappeared.

I realized suddenly that everyone in the room who didn't have headphones on was staring at me, and I realized then that I had yelped in surprise when I saw the eyes staring at me. The sound was still ringing in my head, albeit not my ears. Soon enough, even the people who hadn't heard me were taking off their headphones and looking over at me, following the gazes of those who had.

"It's nothing," I said. "I, uh, I just got one of those dumb screamer videos."
"On your work email?" asked Ren, a friend and coworker of mine.
I nodded, figuring it would be better to go with my stupid lie than to explain that I had actually had a hallucination that seemed to be tangentially related to a series of lucid dreams I'd recently had involving eye monsters.
Ren shrugged. "You should probably tell Milo."
"Eh, nothing serious," I said. "I'll just talk to the person who sent it."

I didn't, of course, given I didn't actually receive any sort of screamer. Still, nobody paid me or the issue at hand any attention once I'd said that, so things got handled, all in all.

(Incidentally, Milo Sotrie is our boss. He goes by his first name because he thinks it seems more friendly that way. Really, if you need a picture of Milo Sotrie, just imagine a faceless man in a suit and you'll have a pretty good idea. Metaphorically, anyways.)

For the rest of the day, I tried to forget what had happened. I put on headphones and listened to a podcast, but my mind kept wandering from what they were saying to thoughts of eyes and rivers and demons.

It was dark out by the time Ren and I started walking home. I live in a small town and I carry pepper spray, and considering I live in the same apartment building as Ren, I wasn't especially worried. But wherever I saw lights, the sections of walls and streets that they illuminated had thousands of eyes on them, watching me as I passed. I sped up each time.

Am I really going insane? I don't believe in ghosts or demons or anything like that, but that's really the only other possibility.

Or maybe I just need to get a break from work and give my brain a rest.